


I Am Not a Robot

by ashapoop



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Bokuto Koutarou if you astral project, Character Study, Emotional Constipation, Gen, Haiba Lev if you strain your ears, Hinata Shouyou if you squint, Yaku Morisuke if you hold your breath
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-30
Updated: 2017-10-30
Packaged: 2019-01-26 15:06:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12560096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashapoop/pseuds/ashapoop
Summary: “I think I’m broken,” Kenma said, voice as quiet as a whisper.“What?” Tetsurou asked, head whipping to look down at him.It wa stupid, Kenma thought. He knew that Tetsurou heard what he said.“It’s nothing.”“Why would you think that?”





	I Am Not a Robot

**Author's Note:**

> Ya girl was feeling anxious and this is a result of self-indulgence and needing to get emotions out so I'm sorry if it's OOC~

It was always the small things, Kenma noticed, that set him apart from a lot of the people surrounding him. Besides being quiet to the extent that students were surprised to hear him speak in class, he was constantly finding parts of himself that he wanted to tear out and toss away but never found the strength to. There would be the texts from Shouyou, loud and filled with emoticons, that he would stare at for a few long moments before ignoring, texting him days later and always feeling a jolt of surprise when his friend texted back quickly and just as happily. At practices he would see the others fooling around, with Tetsurou’s disgusting laughter filling the gymnasium as Morisuke struggled to yell above the noise at Haiba, Kenma resorting to just watching or getting one last game in. Even on the television alone, he would see people laughing and smiling for long periods of time but still Kenma’s eyes drifted to the carpet beneath his toes, trying to remain calm. 

When he tries to be “normal” like what he sees all around him, though, it’s as if he’s like a stupid character in one of his games -- he hits the wall again and again and again. His hands twitch and the words are on the tip of his tongue but even when he has the opportunity, he doesn’t speak. He never had. Every day his face is buried into his PSP and he tries not to listen too hard to his surroundings so he doesn’t hurt himself trying to participate, and every night he lays in bed and stares at the ceiling, wondering why the hell he can’t just show his emotions like a human being. Tetsurou once joked that he was turning into one of his games, cold and robotic, and Kenma only shoved him off before muttering that that was ridiculous and it would be cool to be a robot. 

Now, though, he wasn’t so sure.

As he walked home with Tetsurou, he ignored the biting wind and only tugged his scarf tighter as the raven haired boy talked on and on about how excited he was to kick Bokuto’s ass captain style that weekend. It was nice that he had someone like Tetsurou who balanced him, filling every silence and expressing the emotions that Kenma never could. Sometimes when they walked home like this, he saw Tetsurou’s hand twitch and there was a pang of guilt as he realized why time and time again; Kenma never wanted to hold hands the way Tetsurou did. He knew that the man wasn’t angry with him for his lack of actions, but it still made the bottle blond numb. It made him feel stupid, it made him feel immature, it made him feel… 

“I think I’m broken,” Kenma said, voice as quiet as a whisper.  
“What?” Tetsurou asked, head whipping to look down at him. 

It was stupid, Kenma thought. He knew that Tetsurou heard what he said. 

“It’s nothing.”  
“Why would you think that?”

Kenma didn’t want to look up at him, see the concern painted so vividly in his eyes. He had always been protective of him, Kenma knew that, and whenever he was down on himself, Tetsurou would try to swoop in and save the day. Sometimes he actually did. But something like this… something that was Kenma’s whole being… he may be beyond saving. 

“I’m not… normal, I guess. Not the way that you and Shouyou and the rest of the team are. Emotions don’t… I can’t… even now I can’t even say it because I don’t know how to. I keep… I keep pushing them down and when I want to talk… I just don’t know how to. I don’t want to be a robot. I don’t… I don’t want to be. The only times I’ve ever actually laughed are when we’re alone or when I pretend to when I’m by myself. And I just can’t… I can’t get past… myself. Even now I’m talking in circles because I don’t know what my point is but… I feel like I’m broken. I feel like I can’t feel at all.”

He kicked at the pavement, watching the frost fly away under the warm lamplight, as he pointedly ignored Tetsurou’s heavy gaze. There were a million words on the boy’s sharp tongue, that much was obvious, but Kenma was afraid to hear any of them. He didn’t want to be showered in compliments or reassured or… anything. All he wanted was to try and express his emotions in the first place but there was still that heavy ball of lead in his stomach, his tongue still craving the taste of satisfaction that came with a complete unloading of his emotional baggage. But after he had stored up so many moments and memories and feelings, he wasn’t sure what there was to talk about. He wasn’t sure if he had enough air in his lungs to let it all out. 

“Scream.” Tetsurou said after another long moment. 

Kenma blinked up at him when he registered what the dark haired boy had said, brows furrowing in confusion. He was expecting a million other responses and this… was something new. 

“What?”  
“Scream. It’s obvious there’s more but you don’t know what to say. That’s okay. But maybe just screaming will help get some of it out. You’re frustrated.”  
“That’s stupid.”  
“On the count of three, okay?”

Kenma crossed his arms over his chest, studying Tetsurou as he smiled down at him. Why would he want to scream? He wasn’t an infant anymore, he knew hundreds and thousands of words to express himself. Except… every word seemed to disappear when he needed it most. And maybe that was the reason why Kenma couldn’t ignore Tetsurou’s quiet countdown. Maybe that’s why, a few moments after he said “one”, Kenma began to scream too.

Never again could Kenma call Tetsurou a complete idiot. The screams left his throat almost too easily, whispering a thank you as they hit the cold air around them, shaking the mountains as Kenma allowed himself to yell again and again and again. It was a long time before Tetsurou stopped but still he continued. He screamed for himself, for his parents, for his friends, for his team, and then for himself again. Every comment he kept to himself, every answer he knew in class but didn’t want to raise his hand for, every successful point in every successful match that he never celebrated. It was all leaving him and even when they were all free, he still screamed. It wasn’t until his throat was raw and scratchy and he sounded more like an injured bird than a seventeen year old boy that he finally stopped screaming. 

“Thank you, Tetsurou,” he whispered after a long silence, glancing up at the boy with a shaky smile.  
“Any time, Kenma.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope ya'll liked it. Lately, Kenma has been incredibly relatable. Feel free to hit me up on [Tumblr](http://nishinoy.tumblr.com.) to gush about the video game queen.


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